Saturday, March 19, 2011

For Immature Audiences Only

WARNING: This article contains graphic images that may not be suitable for mature adults. If you are one of those people (like me) that closes your eyes whenever there is a drop of blood on TV, then you should probably not read beyond this point. Oh, and this content is restricted whilst eating any form of food. 

Now if you're still here, I need some "medical" advice. Because this happened...

Ewwwww. I know, right?
RIP toenail. We had some good times together, but it's time to go our separate ways. Though I'm not particularly excited about your untimely death (could you honestly not have waited until AFTER summer/wedding circuit time???), I reckon it's time to move on. I'll upgrade to a newer and better version of you in, oh..... 1.5 years maybe??

My lost toenail is the result of chronic clumsiness and the fact that I occasionally forget how to walk,  but I know that it's not an entirely uncommon ailment for runners (along with black toenails... which make me convulse with repulsion). So I'm hoping I can get some advice on what to do about this thing.

I won't lie, it kinda hurts like hell at the slightest bit of pressure, so going for a long run isn't exactly my idea of a good time right now. I'm assuming the pain will pass as the skin toughens up, but what in tarnation do I do about it in the meantime? How can I expedite this process? Any ointments I should be applying to make this thing heal/grow faster? Will fish oil help? Is it going to grow in straight? Do I have to find a podiatrist? There's one tiny piece of nail left - do I have to yank (eww. vomit) that piece out??

I'm assuming a fake nail is out of the question for cosmetic purposes because surely that would murder my poor little nail bed whilst running. I've tried to read some forums on how other people treat lost toenails, but I find myself shaking uncontrollably with disgust. I have zero tolerance for this type of talk, so if you could maybe substitute words like "cupcake" and "butterflies" for gory medical terms like "puss" and "fungus", well that'd be swell.

Farewell, dear toenail. I hope you make some dust bunny very happy.


  1. that's yucky! Thanks for ruining my diner

  2. Ow! In all my years of running, I've never had it happen. Don't know how I've been so lucky. You, clearly, are not!

  3. I lost a toenail last year after getting a massive blister underneath the nail. I wore one of those Active-Flex Band-Aids on my toe for a couple days to let the open nail bed toughen up, then I was able to go without a bandage. Good luck... I hope your toe heals well and that the nail comes in with no problems.

  4. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! oh god. oh god. oh god. oh god.
    reason #384627374 i never went to med school. aaaaahhhhhhh!

    so sorry. i hope it feels better soon. *closes eyes and turns head*

  5. That happened to my cousin after she ran her first half- apparently it is because your shoes are "too small." You are supposed to get shoes 2 1/2 sizes up for running. At least that was her problem...

  6. i know. sincere apologies, guys. please don't hold my missing toenail against me - it's not easy being a freak. kerri - that was pretty much my reaction too. and i have to look at this thing every cussin' day. eww. eww. eww.