Friday, January 14, 2011

Treadmills Suck

Crass? Yes. But they really do. And here's why... 

The other night, I forced myself to the gym because the bitter freezing cold made me question whether or not my nose was still attached to my face. So there I am, banging it out on the treadmill, feeling oh-so-proud of myself and thinking... 

"Wow. I'm really knocking it out right now. I must have run at least 2 miles by now at an awesome pace. But man, I'm getting really bored. And I'm tired of looking at myself in the mirror [sidenote: I was on the treadmills at the front of the gym where the only thing to look at is a giant wall of mirrors - which also means, I was on full display for the rest of the gym]

How can I entertain myself right now? [look down at treadmill display] Holy crap! Have I seriously only run .7 miles?? How is that even possible? I feel like I've been on here for an hour. OMG I'm so cussin' bored.   [begin self pity fit]

No! Stop it. If there's anything you've learned this week, it's that running is supposed to be fun. So just pretend like you're somewhere far cooler than the Tenley Sport + Health right now. Close your eyes and pretend like you're running in Oregon in the Hood to Coast race. [close eyes/begin daydreaming & inevitable disaster]

Okay, this isn't so bad. Though it's a little tricky. Just keep running strai-  Oh dear... wait... pretty sure I'm tripping. Open your eyes! Why can't I open my eyes??? Yep... I'm definitely going down. Mother effer, Sal! OPEN YOUR CUSSING EYES! Is this seriously happening?? [insert lots of flailing arms and thuds  here... Oh, and a few skid marks on the treadmill]

[eyes finally open] What just happened? I'm on the floor next to the treadmill. There is a woman in my face asking me if I'm okay. And the entire gym is looking anywhere but forward in an effort to pretend like they didn't just witness one of the most disastrous one-man pileups of all time." 

I mean, there's really nothing else to say about this little misadventure. Thankfully, nothing was bruised but my ego. And the common response I've gotten is, "God, that's like my worst nightmare." It was certainly one of mine, too... until it ACTUALLY HAPPENED. But I'll admit, the reality of it could've been much, much worse. I had no choice but to laugh at myself... and make it okay for my fellow gym mates to laugh a little too (Emphasis on "a little." Anything more than a slight chuckle would've resulted in a barbell to the face). And after all of that, I then had to get back on the treadmill and finish my effing run - which actually went quite swimmingly after that. Who knew you could get an adrenaline rush from utter embarrassment?

Though I'm slightly concerned about my recent clumsy streak, I'm hoping it's just a temporary setback. Until then, I won't be attempting any of these antics on the treadmill (though I do wish they were truly this entertaining)...

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